GWAR

Eons ago, there existed an elite group of chaos warriors who ravaged the galaxy with a boundless hatred of all things alive. They were called the Scumdogs of the Universe, and they grew in might and fury, the greatest weapon in the arsenal of their cosmic Master.But they became too powerful, and too defiant, and for their cosmic crimes were banished to the most insignificant planet in the universe…the seething mudball known as Earth.Millions of years passed, and they slumbered, until the pollution of your world thawed these creatures from their ageless coma…and now they stride the Earth, living gods, dedicated to one goal, the destruction of the human race, and the eradication of existence itself! Wait- that’s two goals!

READ ENTIRE MYTHOS


blothar

The Berserker Blothar

Vocals:

Recently summoned from the Scumdog’s distant past, this behemoth has taken on the mantle of GWAR’s new lead singer.


NAME: The Berserker Blothar

INSTRUMENT: Lead Howler

HOME PLANET: The World of Mist

HEIGHT: Blothar is around 6 ft tall in his human form, but becomes 15 feet tall when he goes berserk

WEIGHT: Cannot be accurately measured

LIKES: Hunting Moon Moose, Ice fishing, reading the future in the entrails of his victims, killing, meditation

DISLIKES: Most things

balsac

BälSäc the Jaws ‘o Death

Guitar:

The elder statesman of the group. He doesn’t say much, but when he does, it’s not much! Oh yeah, and he plays guitar.


NAME: BälSäc

ALIAS: the Jaws ‘o Death

INSTRUMENT: Guitar

AGE: pi X 10 to the millionth power

HOME PLANET: Ennui

HEIGHT: 22 1⁄2 hands

WEIGHT: 12 tons fully dressed; 98lbs soaking wet

EYE COLOR: I’m not sure if he has eyes

HOBBIES: Wine tasting, home distilling, contemplating suicide

ON DATES I LIKE TO…: Contemplate suicide

QUOTE: “I’m so very, very sorry.”

beefcakethemight

Beefcake the Mighty

Bass

It takes immeasurable mass to hold down the incredibly heavy bottom end of GWAR. Luckily, there is Beefcake, the heaviest of heavy metal bassists.


NAME: Beefcake

TITLE: the Mighty

INSTRUMENT: Bass guitar

HEIGHT: 1cb (cubic beefcake)

WEIGHT: Verging on collapsing into a black hole due to my immeasurable mass

AGE: How rude!

HOME WORLD: The planet Cholesterol

HOBBIES: Cooking, eating, gnoshing, biting, gluttony, chewing, gorging, consumption, devouring, dining, feasting, gobbling, gourmandizing, having a meal, masticating, bingeing, nibbling,munching, overindulgence, pigging out, snacking, and most things involving food

ON DATES I LIKE TO…: Eat (my date)

QUOTE: “Hey, look! A sandwich!!”

jizmak

JiZMak da Gusha

Drums

Dog­headed JiZMak is the most obnoxious GWAR­rior and delights in the pounding of all things, including himself! Hails from The Wide Wide World of Sports.


NAME: JiZMak da Gusha

INSTRUMENT: Drums

AGE: Old enough to wipe my own ass

HEIGHT: Almost tall

WEIGHT: Almost fat

EYE COLOR: Crimson

HOME PLANET: The Wide Wide World of Sports

HOBBIES: Clubbing, BBQ, cleavage, pretending

WHEN I GET MAD I…: Smash, beat, pound, crush, slam, and pass out. Much like the blackout of a violent drunk, upon awakening, I forget why I was mad.

QUOTE: “This interview is over!”

pustulus

Pustulus Maximus

Guitar

The newest member of the Maximus Clan to take up the axe and fight in the name of GWAR.


NAME: Pustulus Maximus

INSTRUMENT: Guitar

HOME PLANET: Crust

HEIGHT: Tall enough

WEIGHT: Titanic

DISEASES CONTRACTED: All except childhood obesity and bird-flu

LIKES: Being unhappy, ripping guitar, making others miserable, anal

DISLIKES: Having a good time

FAVORITE PAST TIME: Killing for spite

HOBBIES: Hoarding guitars, drugs, alcohol, frequent masturbation, non-gender selective rape, turning man against man, searching for the remains of the Ramones to add to his corpse-puppet band

ON DATES I LIKE TO…: Anal

WHEN I GET MAD I: Destroy everything within arms-reach in a blind rage

PHILOSOPHY: Why choose between dicks and cunts when everybody’s got an asshole?

GREATEST ACCOMPLISHMENT: Stole rock and roll and brought it back to the Sulphur Barbarinian galaxy

GREATEST DEFEAT: Eventually those bands turned to Nu-metal.

LIFE GOALS: To be alone by making everything around me die.

QUOTE: “Fuck off”

bonesnapper

Bonesnapper

Bodyguard, Crappy Vocals

A former slave turned slaver, Bonesnapper fought in the Scumdog Army and was banished to Earth with the rest of GWAR. Melted out of Antarctic ice just 3 days after GWAR, he spent the next 17 years trying to reconnect with them. Initially an enemy, then an ally, but always an object of ridicule Bonesnapper still gets no respect.


NAME: BONESNAPPER

ALIAS: The Cave Troll

AGE: ELDERLY

WEIGHT: PORTLY

HOME PLANET: A rock down by the river.

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

LAST BOOK READ: I’m OK, You’re OK

LAST BOOK WRITTEN: Uncle Tom’s Cabin

FAVORITE CELEBRITY: Nasty Savage

HOBBIES: Basking on a log.

ON DATES I LIKE TO: Stay in my shell.

QUOTE: Hey Guys…..wait for me!

sawborg

Sawborg Destructo

Annoying Nemesis, Annoying Vocals

A cyborg  soldier in the MASTER’S army. Loyal to the MASTER to a fault, he was sent to see what had happened to the other Destructo’s that had come before him. He was also to complete the mission and find the Scumdogs that had been imprisoned on Earth. He is to make them come back to the service of the MASTER and help fight in the never- ending battle against Cardinal Syn. If they don’t, his orders are to kill the SCUMDOGS OF THE UNIVERSE!!


NAME: SAWBORG DESTRUCTO

AGE:    Reconstruction date  33 million years

WEIGHT:  not missing any meals.

HOME PLANET: Scumdogia

FAVORITE T.V. SHOW: Six Million Dollar Man

LAST BOOK : Don’t book I NOOK!

FAVORITE CELEBRITY:  the alien you call BOWIE

HOBBIES : arm rassling

ON DATES I LIKE TO: RUIN  them!!

QUOTE: GWAR WILL SERVE THE MASTER OR GWAR …. I forget how that goes…

sleezy

Sleezy P. Martini

Manager


Sleazy P Martini is from an old mob family that goes back to the beginning of the 20th century. The Martini family have been involved with organized crime since coming to America.  They began to transition to legitimate business around the 60’s or 70’s. Sleazy was the best and brightest of the family and they hoped that he would some day go into politics and possibly become president. Sleazy initially followed this track becoming a congressman representing New Jersey in the 70’s.

Unfortunately scandal forced Sleazy to resign after only one term.

But his political career was not over as he was hired to be a political advisor in the Reagan White House and a lobbyist working for the tobacco industry. Soon however Sleazy grew bored with this and began to look to get involved with show business. His first foray into this area was in professional wrestling. Then he began to get involved in Rock and Roll band management. Bands such as Pansies From Hell were one of his early clients. Sleazy’s big break came when he discovered GWAR, a group of alien barbarians frozen in Antarctica. While still managing GWAR Sleazy got into a myriad of legal and illegal business involving drugs, prostitution, loan sharking as well as real estate development.

During the course of the loan sharking Sleazy took over a film distribution company that specializes in getting rights to films that have passed over into public domain and rereleasing them to the public.  These films are best described as exploitation films primarily from the 60’s 70’s and 80’s. Genres such as Blaxploitation, kung fu, and other action films as well as sexy teen comedies are featured. Because Sleazy is vain he is attracted to show business but due to his previous reputation in the entertainment industry this is as far as he can advance for now.

Sleazy is a relentless huckster anxious to move his stock with out seeming desperate. Each film he premiers is the latest public domain loser DVD that he is trying to move. He always in process of trying to sell his films by trying to make obvious deficiencies look like positives. For instance: Black and white is better than color. 4/3 is better than widescreen. Standard Definition is better than High Definition etc.…He justifies these pronouncements by pretending to be a film purist. He refers to film prints that have color faded till only red remains: “tomato vision.” However his best attempts to paper over the films problems only seem to make the problems more obvious in a backhanded sort of way. But he can only keep this positive attitude going for short periods before he lets his real opinion slip out. Ultimately he doesn’t care because he thinks he can always con his marks based on his contempt for the intelligence of his audience.

While Sleazy pictures himself as cultured, nothing could be further from the truth. Sleazy is the type of person that thinks “Emanuel’ is high art because it is a foreign film. Sleazy thinks a fancy drink is malt liquor in bottle instead of a can and is often seen with a bottle of Old English 800 (he thinks it’s imported) chilling in a champagne bucket next to him. Which brings us to our next point: Sleazy is cheap. While he wears elaborate pimp clothes and rides in limos and has lots of money he rarely spends it because he quite sure he is being conned if he did. If he took a business client to lunch it would be Popeye’s Fried Chicken. If he were trying hard to impress an important client it would be Red Lobster but rarely.

While Sleazy is uncultured by choice he is not stupid. He has an innate understanding of humanity that is never wrong being the result of huge cache of street knowledge. He is the world’s shrewdest man.

Sleazy is supremely confidant. He is Svengali like in his ability to size up people and manipulate them. Cocksure as a lion tamer, he would have to be to take a group of homicidal space barbarians and turn them into a touring rock band. 

Sleazy has contempt for people as a whole for all the typical reasons that the elite might have for the hoi polloi but has a strange twinge of brotherly affection for his customers (marks) that would be best described as the care that celebrities show to Special Olympians when they think the camera is on them. “Aaah bless their little retarded hearts”

Sleazy would never do anything for anyone unless it was an angle to make more money especially if someone was watching. He fears that someone may think he’s a sucker.

Sleazy deals drugs but does not get high. Being high is for suckers. A cloudy mind is an easy mark.

Sleazy is fearless and brutal, he is never afraid to escalate any situation into a gunfight. He has been in so many that settling a problem with guns or shivs is second nature.

Sleazy does not care about women. He has no interest in sex other than as a product to be sold. He would never hoot or whistle over a hot girl unless he was pitching her to some potential customer.

While Sleazy is a mobster and sounds like one he does not use any Goodfellas or Sopranos jargon such as your typical: “fogetabout it” or “it’s just business”

Sleazy never comes in second to anyone for any reason. And if he did it would only be temporarily till he gets his revenge.

In short Sleazy is a horrible human being who thru his implacable style remains lovable. He does this by giving voice to the audiences inner feelings that have been constantly been muted by PC attitudes and polite suburban upbringings. Sleazy does not care what people think and seems to have no ability to edit his opinions if it means offending someone. And if he does try to be polite he is so awkward about it that his true feelings still remain apparent. Ultimately Sleazy is a shyster clown representing the big con that is life. He is a comedic anti-hero.